It’s Not You. It’s Not Them. It’s Everyone, and that’s Fine.

Losing touch with people is one of those things that no one ever really plans to do, but just happens without any sort of warning. You’re carrying on with your day when suddenly you might see a name popup on your feed, scroll past a contact in your address book, or hear a song that reminds you of someone that you used to spend much of your time with. Now, it feels like you haven’t spoken, really spoken, about anything or at all for years. In most cases, it can actually be that long. Why does this happen? How does this happen, and should you really feel responsible for it?

The short answer is No. People fall out of touch with one another regularly. It happens, and you shouldn’t feel negatively about it (though you might at first). You see, Humans are very social beings. It’s our nature, and despite many of us finding comfort in being Introverts, there is still a modicum of interaction that we yearn for. What has happened over the years as Social Media has absolutely devoured our lives, is that people have grown expectant of interactivity with one another. 

“It takes two seconds to text back!-I saw you posting on Twitter!” There are a plethora of avenues we can take to talk, but there’s no golden rule that says you have to. Things need to be considered on a case by case scenario as well: 

• What is the Nature of your relationship?
• Where are you mentally?
• Are there major stressors in your life affecting you?
• What are your priorities right now?
• Are you taking care of yourself?

I’ll say this from experience, and it may sound selfish, but the worst thing you can do to yourself is devote too much of your mental energy to someone else.  Your Mentality governs how you approach nearly every aspect of your day, any interactions that may occur, and your life in general. When you are stretched thin, even the simplest of complications can seem like insurmountable obstacles. 

Compound this with a self imposed feeling of responsibility to tend to others and you have a recipe for utter disaster. What do you do when you feel this way? Are you actually supposed to do anything? What if you do want to speak with your friends and/or family, but feel like so much time has passed that it might seem awkward to do so?

Erase any of these conflicting thoughts from your mind. Communication is a two way street after all. Chances are, if you’re feeling like you’ve not spoken to someone in a while, they haven’t reached out to you either. This can be due to any number of reasons. Our lives and priorities may change, we may be growing in a different direction that holds interests your friends may not share, and you may simply just want more time to yourself. 

“But what if they HAVE been reaching out to me?-I want to respond, but I just don’t have the motivation to do so…” I must reiterate; Do not force yourself to communicate if your Heart and Mind are not ready to. I personally have friends that I’ve known since High School, even further back, that I used to spend every waking moment talking, playing, and hanging out with, whom I barely interact with directly for months at a time now.

There was a point where I felt like I did or said something wrong. “What did I do?” This feeling became further toxic when social media was included into the mix. I would see posts of outings and group gatherings that were never mentioned to me, that I was never invited to. It was hard not to feel left out, and even easier to feel like it was done purposefully. 

These kinds of thoughts can and will eat you alive; If you let them. It took me some time to understand, but I came to realize that it wasn’t really a matter of anyone being vindictive towards me. I was just no longer a pivotal part of their lives, and that was fine. Part of self growth is being able to let go of things that no longer contribute to it. Relationships and even the once traditional concept of a relationship are part of this. You can be friends with someone and almost never talk, but once you do it feels like neither of you have missed a beat. Those are the types of relationships that you should pay attention to, the ones that don’t try to saddle you with inherent obligations or guilt.

The same applies to romance as well. My longest relationship of 4 years out of college ended quietly when we both came to the mutual agreement that we had grown too distant. We had mentally gone our separate ways long before, but it took some time to break the convention of ‘making it work‘ before we finally accepted it. 

Letting go is cathartic.  Freeing. It can be difficult at first, frightening even; but once you embrace the process you begin to regain a sense of self that you probably didn’t realize you were beginning to lose. With all this being said, I don’t mean to dissuade anyone from actually having  discussions. In fact, communication is just as healthy as disconnecting. It all depends on circumstances and situations. No two scenarios can or should be approached the same way. 

If you feel that there is something you need to address with someone, then there is no better time than now. Waiting will only exacerbate the feeling of anxiety and makes it even harder to attempt communication in the future. You’ll either be able to clear the air or come to terms with why you’ve stopped talking in the first place. Either way, the goal is to unshackle your state of being from someone else’s existence. If you don’t care for yourself, then who will?

Do you have something you want to get off your chest? Want to discuss this topic further? Feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions burning a hole through your noggin’!